Day 6 Food Allwergy Awareness Blog....people who doubt

I almost stopped writing today…
I woke up feeling great. This thing, these blogs, I can’t lie; I was not excited about doing them. I thought about doing this for about a month, knowing that this is Food Allergy Awareness Week. I didn’t want to do it, I thought it would be too much, too painful and too dramatic to share with everyone. I mean who wants to hear all of this anyway. Then I changed my perspective one day when I was talking to someone close to me and they had no clue how serious mine and well, food allergies in general really are. It upset me. How could someone not take this serious? Then it hit me…..people don’t take my allergy serious because I don’t act like it is. People don’t know how difficult this has been because I have NEVER expressed these feelings. I thought if I did talk about it, people would view me as weak, or a cry baby or a drama queen. Then I thought what the hell, why not. I need to get this out there, I need to mourn and grieve this and I need to move on. So I committed to this week of blogs only thinking of myself, my experience and what I wanted to say. I had an idea for each day, sat in front of my computer and typed. It all just came so naturally, so easily and it also felt so good. Which brings me to today….
My plan today was to talk about something else. Then I received some negative feedback and I was destroyed. My mood went from great to terrible within minutes. How could someone question these things I am saying, these words that I am typing and this experience I am living? I wanted to stop. I wanted to just not do today and tomorrow and hope people wouldn’t notice. I worked out, walked dogs, went to acupuncture, did my business and refused to check my emails, answer my phone or texts. So now, with you I am going to sit here and ask myself this question and be as honest with the answer as I have been all week with my other entries…
“Why am I doing this?”
I have never talked about this before. (This being my hands, my burns, my depression, my loneliness and loss of self worth.) It’s sad, it’s traumatic and it is no fun to talk about. I can’t lie, for a long time I felt like if I talked about it I would look pathetic. I was worried about making people feel uncomfortable or bad or sorry for me. I didn’t talk about my allergies and how deeply they have changed my life because people….close people, would ‘dumb it down’ And although I hate it and how it had altered my life, it is my allergy and I am protective of it. And having someone act like I was being a nuisance or over dramatic or making it all up in my head was just…..devastating. So rather than taking care of myself, I worried about all of those people and their thoughts about me. I put the past two years of feelings into a box tucked far away in my brain and only let it out when I was alone….even if then. My goal, pretend YOU are ok and everyone else will be ok.
These blogs are a gift I am finally giving to myself. I told myself to not hold back, not care what people think and only for one week, as I sit behind this computer purely think about Jan and no one else. Yes, I know my mom doesn’t want to read about all the pain I was in at the hospital. Yes, my co-workers don’t want to think about how depressed I was walking around watching them do my clients color. Yes, my boyfriend didn’t want to read stories about me on dates with other men. But, I had to stop for a moment in time and not worry about those things. I went through this and I was the only one who I let in, so therefore, I am the only one who knows how it felt. If I can just let it out and let myself relive these moments in my life, maybe I can finally close this chapter. I am doing this because I need to do this…. FOR MYSELF.
Of course, I am also doing this to raise awareness about living with food allergies. I’m doing this for people who get up in the morning and know that something normal and natural could send them to their grave. For the parents who send their child to school and put their own flesh and bloods life into the hands of someone else. For the people who say ‘no mayo’ and get called picky instead of allergic as the waitress walks away. For the pregnant women for quarantine themselves for 9 months just to make sure they don’t make a mistake and have to use an epi-pen while they are with child. I am doing this for them. I am doing this for them and myself.
Of course it is few and far between that people have been negative. Not just about the blogs, but about my experience. This week alone I have had an out pouring of beautiful and eloquent emails and messages all expressing nothing but positivity. From telling me you’re proud of me, to expressing your concern for what happened or even if it was just a nosy “WHO IS HE?” They have all been amazing and I am so thankful for each one. And not just this week. There are people in the past two years who have shown me their true colors and they are the most fantastic colors I have ever seen. I wish I could name all of you but that would take a year. I also want to give those people their own special place this week. So for me to include it in one of my blogs seems inappropriate. These people, my support system, deserves much more than that.
All this being said, these blogs were a way for me to get this out. Free it from my head so I can close this chapter of my life. I am ready. I have gained so much and learned a ton. I have millions of ideas and opened myself for love. My future is strong and I know whatever happens I am a survivor.
So whether you believe it or not this is real. This is not a story I made up in my head, or something I have exaggerated. I went through some trauma, my life has been altered and I am now severely allergic to citrus. I did this blog to educate, I did this blog to raise awareness, I did this blog to stop pretending. I have one more day of it and I promise not to disappoint tomorrow.
So for the person who sent me that negative remark, I don’t care. You don’t have to wake up every day in the reality that myself and 12 million other Americans do, and I hope to god you never do. It is not something we are happy about. It is not something we are proud of. We would love to live in a world just like yours. Where the thought of going to a restaurant was easy and fun, not a place to interrogate servers and chefs. A place where when you walk on an airplane you pray not only for a safe flight, but also that the person next to you isn’t eating an orange. A place where walking through a department store doesn’t require you to hold your breath because of the perfume aisle seeping everywhere. And more than anything else, a place where people believe you. Like I said, I am not happy or proud about my allergy, but I am now extremely happy and proud to represent it.
I’m glad I didn’t stop. I am proud I didn’t get too scared from the negative comment. This has been too important and too good for me to not complete. Thanks to lemons and limes I have to stop and leave quite a bit in the middle of something. Whether it’s a dinner I got sick at, a head of hair I had to bail on or party I have had to cancel. I will not let this gift I have given to myself be affected by my food allergies, like so many other parts of my life have.