Dating with a food allergy was different then what I was used too. Things that used to matter seemed silly. In fact, after my allergy was discovered dating didn’t even seem like a good option. I was a hot mess and did not need to bring anyone into my crazy new world.
As I continue, I want to get a few things clear. First, I love boys. They are great, they are fun and they have played big roles in my life. I am not disregarding any female with this blog. You all know you are my world and I promise, your blog is right around the corner. Secondly, all of these boys I talk about are great guys. They are all still my friends and I appreciate the time I have spent with them. Third, I use the word ‘dating’ loosely. I don’t really consider that I dated anyone, but for writing purposes ‘dating’ is just easier. Lastly….don’t worry boys, I will not use your real names! Again, I was in no shape to date, but when a cute boy calls….
First there was someone my roommate knew. We will call him ‘hot neighbor’ He was a sweetheart and a super nice guy. I didn’t want to talk to these boys about my allergy, but it was inevitable. He had heard about Kara’s friend with the crazy hands, but didn’t ask too many questions. I went over his house one night to watch a movie. As I sat on his couch my skin became itchy and hives were starting to form. I looked over at him and his beautiful long hair and thought…’I’m a hairstylist, I know in this humidity those waves would be frizzed out without some serious products.’ Then it hit me…AVEDA…Strike 1!
Then comes the classic story of boy meets girl at the bar. We will call him the ‘lawyer’ He wanted to buy me a shot or a fruity drink and I kept saying no. I quickly explained my allergy and that was that. By the second date I knew it was our last. He was OBSSESED with talking about my allergy. Why did I get it? How did it happen? How bad were my burns? I felt like I was on the stand, hand on bible, sitting next to a judge and being interrogated rather than on a date. As I gave him that last awkward hug goodbye, I ran to my car and thought ‘Dude, you can’t sue a piece of fruit!’ Strike 2!
The next boy was different. We will call him the ‘Comedian’ He lived far away and we randomly meet one night out with friends. We hit it off and had a great conversation. That was it. We found each other through facebook and began chatting. He knew about my allergy because all we really did was email and talk on the phone. I thought he was a bit sensitive to my condition when he told me he didn’t wear cologne around me because it had an orange scent listed on the ingredient list. The last time I went to LA for a ‘date’ with him, I sat at the dinner table as he flashed me his cute smile and squeezed a huge slice of lime into his Corona….Strike 3!
I was done. I was not able to do this. I didn’t expect any of these people to change that quickly for me. But I was trying so hard to make all of these changes in myself, I could not handle changing someone else as well. I also was just a hot mess and no one deserved any of that. Being single was totally cool with me. I was better that way. I already was a handful to date prior to the allergy. I am completely guarded, I never open up about myself, I don’t have a romantic bone in my body and I require more alone time then any female on the planet. All of that plus now I had been mentally crippled and could have a run in with a piece of fruit and be dead….That’s hot!
I was in a weird place. I had two weeks left at the salon. I didn’t want to go out, I didn’t want to be social and I didn’t want anyone to know any of this. I pretended everyday that I was totally cool. My days were filled with so many positive people telling me any happy thing they could think of. ‘Everything happens for a reason’…’When one door closes another one opens’…’When life hands you lemons’….yeah. I wanted to complain, I wanted to be bummed but I didn’t want to disappoint all of these people.
A friend of a friend of a friend’s band was coming into town and playing on a random Saturday night. I did not want to go. I was BLAH! But my side kick (Andi) my BFF (Kara) and her BFF (Audrey) were all going so I thought, how bad could it be. I don’t remember the band. I don’t remember the place. I don’t remember meeting him. (We will call him…him) We left when the bands were done and went to a super lame bar where everyone was drinking fruity drinks. Except me. I was sitting with my beer in my own little Jan world. People were crashing at our place that night. Everyone got in one car and I was told to go with him, since he didn’t know where he was going. I waited for him; I don’t think I even knew his name at the time. I got in his car, looked through his ipod, we stopped for snacks and he made fun of Atlanta. As we pulled onto my street he asked ‘What do you doing for a living?’ I sat there. I held my breath; I felt a huge lump form in my throat. I held back tears, looked up, put the biggest smile on my face and said…’I do hair. I have for ten years, but I just quit because of my allergies.’ I still wasn’t breathing as I waited for the ‘Good things are coming’ or ‘Look at this as an opportunity’ There was a slight pause and he looked up at me and said…’Damn, that sucks. Are you scared?’ It was one of those rare moments in life when you just know 100% for sure, without a doubt that you are in the exact right place at the right time with the right person. YES, it sucks….YES, I am so scared and YES I just wanted to say it out loud. I wanted to attack him. I wanted to scream in his face, cry in his arms, thank him over and over….but we just met. Instead I ignored the party in my head, exhaled and said ‘Yes, it sucks’
The second time I hung out with him I had an allergic reaction in front of him. I was mortified. He came into town to see me and here I was throwing up, stacked with hives, crying like a baby. He was suppose to head home early that day. Instead, I showed him what to do and he did it. He sat with me barely knowing me and watched as I went through it, fell in and out of sleep and talked my crazy allergy medicine talk. I didn’t hear from him after that. I knew why. I was a wreak. I was about to be jobless, I was sick and I had lost all of my confidence. He was a smart man and knew it was not a good situation. I asked a few friends their advice. Two told me my reaction in front of him was most likely a major turn off. I missed him and didn’t know why. I didn’t know him and it was extremely unlike me to be interested that quickly. There were a few random texts here and there, but I knew. I threw a party the last day of my salon career. I invited him but he didn’t come.
The day after I retired, I was a disaster. I was sad. I didn’t go outside. I cried for what felt like days. My phone rang off the hook. I silenced everyone. I didn’t feel like talking to ANYONE! After awhile my pugs looked more miserable then me. I went outside to play with them. The phone rang. It was him. He has called almost every day since.
I know why he didn’t call for awhile. He has his reasons. I know for me it was because the timing gods were on my side. Had he called and been a bit too into me, too needy, too anything I would have blown him off. I couldn’t have handled anyone in those few weeks.
‘Dating’ him, with my new allergy, my new life, my new self was different. We talked for hours on the phone. We became great friends. I started to see some of my old self when he was around. Sometimes I would catch a glimpse of the pre-burned hand Jan and I would become overwhelmed. I knew she was in there, but I didn’t know where. When he was around I could feel her and that alone was nothing short of amazing.
I have been sick in front of him a lot. He takes over and I let him. I now realize it is ok to be vulnerable around him, especially when my allergy is involved. He gets mad at me when I get sick and not because it’s happening but because all I do is apologize for it. He always tells me I have nothing to be sorry for and he is right. He lets me cry, he tells me I’m beautiful as I get sick and he makes sure I have everything I need. I know that when I am with him he will make sure, no matter what that I will be ok. He is fully prepared and knows about my meds, inhalers’, epi-pen, symptoms, etc. But more importantly then all of that is that when I get sick, I know I will be safe. That safety that I didn’t really feel in my childhood, that no one feels in their teens. The safety that I started to feel in my 20’s but was ripped away in my early 30’s. He brought that safety into my life. And not just safety but he has brought back hope, love and so much of myself that I thought was gone. If he stopped talking to me tomorrow it would be ok (Trust me I would be super bummed and I hope to god that doesn’t happen) But I would understand. And I would everyday be thankful that on that random Saturday night, this adorable boy came into my life and help me feel like myself again.
We have been dating for awhile now (and I don’t use that term loosely anymore….sorry ladies) He is unconditionally supportive and absolutely my number 1 fan (at least he makes me feel that way) And even though he is in another state (not for long:) I still know he is right by my side. I am lucky to have a friend like him and I only hope one day I can repay him for all he has done for me. He met me at rock bottom and now I feel like I am on cloud nine. And although he had SO much to do with that, just his support alone gave me the strength to get there myself.
I don’t know who is braver, someone with a food allergy or someone who chooses to be with someone who has a food allergy? It is just as scary. At least when I’m sick, I don’t know what is going on. He has to sit there and watch me crumble. But food allergy or not, he is here and I know crumbling is ok.
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