THANK YOU

A few thank you’s for not just reading but for helping me the last two years.
I owe Nathan my life. That is all I can say. I would not have made it without you. You are the most incredible human being ever put on this planet. My family for all of the phone calls, cards, books, advice…. but most importantly LOVE. Kerry you were amazing with all of your gifts and words, I will forever be sorry I lobstered out on your big day. Mom, well, when I did open up it was to you, so thanks for being there. My boys Lance and Chris who made sure no matter what that I was safe and laughing. You guys are the best ‘brothers’ I could have ever had. My girlfriends…..I love you more than anything. I do know what true friendship is and I only hope I have been as good to you as you to me. Talia, you’re the only one who has never seen the picture of my hands. I remember at Christmas when I was showing your family and you turned down a look and someone asked why, your response…’I never want to see what caused my best friend that much pain’ I can’t. Kim, you made me laugh and feel sunshine at my lowest point with my hands. Even though I was a gimp, you came over, cleaned, did laundry and danced just to see me smile. Haley and Maria for listening to me endlessly cry when I allowed myself too. Michelle, I love you, I want to be you, I want to date you, I love you. Andi, you came into my life at the perfect time. We are soul mates. Jon, for making my heart beat again when I thought it was dead. Thanks for being the best distraction a girl could ever have. Ruslan, for all the pickups, hugs and pep talks. For Keaton who will be my ultimate ray of sunshine till the day I pass on. If I ever feel anything unhappy I know I can think of your sweet face and feel instantly amazing. All the salon girls, thanks for putting up with me. Rana, every single day I miss seeing you at the chair next to me. I am so thankful for the ten years we stood next to each other. Will, I would marry you tomorrow and not just because you love Madonna as much as me, but because you are the best listener that has ever entered my life. To all of my new Tennessee friends, thank you for welcoming me. I apologize now for the future attacks I may have in front of ya. Tim, I wrote a whole blog about you and could probably write 8 more on how incredible you make me feel.
I have to take a brief moment to thank my two best and most incredible friends. My pugs. Dita and Dexter I swear…..I would be a miserable, angry lost soul without you two. My little smoosh face soul mates. Thank you for always loving me no matter how crazy I became!
There is one person that I can’t even begin to say thank you to because it doesn’t seem like enough. In fact those words seem silly for how much I owe you. When everyone else saw me cry, saw me sick and saw me lose it, they got to leave, they got to breath, and they got to go home. You Kara are my home and you never left. I cannot express (and am so sorry I never have) how much comfort I had during this whole mess knowing you were right down the hallway. And all the times I walked in the door with more bad news, you listened, you cared and you never left me. I love you and am proud to call you my best friend.
Thank you to everyone who read these blogs. I hope I helped you see a different side of food allergies. And I hope the next time you meet someone with one you will feel a bit closer to them. Thank you to everyone for all of your kind words and I hope all of my entries were not too depressing. I promise, this is the end, the week is over and I have fully enjoyed sharing my story. Thank you all so much for sharing it with me.

Day 7 Food Allergy Awareness Blogs...My last entry

It’s day 7, the last day of my blog.
I went running this morning and put my iPod on shuffle. One of my favorite songs that I have worn out in so many ways was the first playing. I preformed my very first big trapeze routine to it a few months ago. After so much practicing this song was banned from my playlist. But for some reason I didn’t want to skip it today. I started jogging and listen to the first line…
“Something filled up my heart with nothing. Someone told me not to cry”
Now I hate to be all cliché, write some lyrics and be this introspective….but I am going to be for a second. It all goes back to what I was talking about yesterday. How hard I was on myself for being upset when this all started two years ago. These lyrics struck me because I remember very specific moments during my hands, my burns, my career, my allergy that I told myself to not cry. To lock it up and get over it. The first time I heard this song, I thought how sad? Someone telling someone not to express how they feel. And here I was, being a great listener and shoulder for others but not to myself.
I know I am one of the luckiest human beings on the planet. I have a food allergy and that is it. Yes there isn’t a cure, but I have SO many days that I am fine. I really want to reiterate to everyone who has been reading this week….I know this could be worse (my therapist is going to kill me for saying that) But it is true. There are horrible things that happen every day. Horrible events and tragedies that people have no control over. Things that I feel should never happen. I don’t believe ‘Everything happens for a reason’ I am sorry; there is no reason for children to die young. There is no reason for someone to murder someone who has done nothing wrong. There is no reason for terrorist attacks, plane crashes, rape, the list goes on. I think that things just happen. Good things, bad things, fun things, annoying things….they all happen, most of the time for no reason except that we are human and this is life.
I know there are things that have happened to me since my hands that I may not have experienced if the situation never developed. Things I would have never made time for. People I would have never met. I would have continued to work and date and chill and not be at this point I am at right now.
I wanted to get certified to teach Pilates for ten years. Had I not had to leave the salon, I would have never done that. Imagine that, wanting to do something for that long and simply not wanting to waste vacation days on it. Well, I didn’t waste any days and I did it.
One of the most amazing things that came into my life is The Circus Arts Institute. Besides uncovering my talent for random things like web and trapeze, it was the first place I found that made me feel normal. Made me feel ok and made me feel happy. The people there make me feel like a rockstar and when I am up in the air I feel absolutely beautiful. If this never happened, I would never have had time to join.
I started a business. It was just something to do on the side to give me some sort of financial back up as I left the salon. Just walking some dogs, helping some neighbors, no big deal. Now, I own an LLC and I am the CEO. I take business and accounting classes. I am becoming certified in obedience training, grooming, kennel work and animal CPR. I am involved in the animal community and my small business is thriving, about to have employees and about to expand to another state. My five year business plan is surrounded with adorable, furry, loving animals. I would have never pursued my love for animals had I not been in this place.
My sister gave me the most precious gift a sister could give. My nephew Keaton. He is an angel and the most adorable thing on the planet. After he was born I was able to spend two weeks out with her family helping and bonding. I know for sure, two weeks would have been way to long away from the salon. But since I’m now a business owner, I can have all the Keaton time I want.
I don’t think I would be with ‘him’ either. He agrees. We have both discussed this. I don’t know, maybe we would have met and it all would be the same, but deep down inside I don’t believe that is true. I could have been in a different place, maybe then or earlier and ending up dating someone else and missing out on him. Whatever the case may be I will never know, but I am glad for sure my love life turned out the way it has.
So I have recovered so greatly mentally and physically from all of this. I have also let go of that betrayal I was holding against myself and my body. I have grown to be a huge fan of ME! My body has fascinated me with all of its strength and powers. I took advantage of it for so long. Even though I was working out, eating right, water, not smoking all of that good for you stuff. I mentally wasn’t treating it like the temple it is. I love how it healed itself and I love how it has protected me.
There aren’t too many platforms I stand on. Yes, we all know that I love animals, sometimes more than people. I am getting into the business of pets to help the community, help save their lives and make a difference for them. Yes, I love protecting the environment and I am pretty intense about recycling. I think you are a lazy jerk if you don’t do it. Yes, I will battle head to head with anyone who questions Madonna’s British accent. I have lived around southern accents for ten years and picked it up….why can’t she?! And now food allergies. I hope this blog educated some and also brought comfort to others. I will continue to raise awareness and represent this community with pride as well as I can.
After today, I will open a new chapter of my life. My allergy will no longer own me, I will own it. If I get sick, I will not apologize and this is no longer something I am going through, it is something I went though. Tomorrow morning I am going to get up and go to my new job….I will hang out with one of my new furry clients. I’m going to come home, get absolutely adorable. Pack up my best friends Dita and Dexter and drive to visit my boyfriend. And all day in my head I will be celebrating what I did and my new life that I am finally ready to start. I am no longer the girl with the hands, or the girl who ended her career at 30 or the girl with the crazy allergies. I’m just the girl who went through something and came out a stronger person and after this week, I am finally opening up, giving in and letting go. Thanks to everyone who shared this week long therapy session with me. I have thoroughly enjoyed every single day of it. And from this day forward I will no longer be ashamed of my allergy!

Day 6 Food Allwergy Awareness Blog....people who doubt

I almost stopped writing today…
I woke up feeling great. This thing, these blogs, I can’t lie; I was not excited about doing them. I thought about doing this for about a month, knowing that this is Food Allergy Awareness Week. I didn’t want to do it, I thought it would be too much, too painful and too dramatic to share with everyone. I mean who wants to hear all of this anyway. Then I changed my perspective one day when I was talking to someone close to me and they had no clue how serious mine and well, food allergies in general really are. It upset me. How could someone not take this serious? Then it hit me…..people don’t take my allergy serious because I don’t act like it is. People don’t know how difficult this has been because I have NEVER expressed these feelings. I thought if I did talk about it, people would view me as weak, or a cry baby or a drama queen. Then I thought what the hell, why not. I need to get this out there, I need to mourn and grieve this and I need to move on. So I committed to this week of blogs only thinking of myself, my experience and what I wanted to say. I had an idea for each day, sat in front of my computer and typed. It all just came so naturally, so easily and it also felt so good. Which brings me to today….
My plan today was to talk about something else. Then I received some negative feedback and I was destroyed. My mood went from great to terrible within minutes. How could someone question these things I am saying, these words that I am typing and this experience I am living? I wanted to stop. I wanted to just not do today and tomorrow and hope people wouldn’t notice. I worked out, walked dogs, went to acupuncture, did my business and refused to check my emails, answer my phone or texts. So now, with you I am going to sit here and ask myself this question and be as honest with the answer as I have been all week with my other entries…
“Why am I doing this?”
I have never talked about this before. (This being my hands, my burns, my depression, my loneliness and loss of self worth.) It’s sad, it’s traumatic and it is no fun to talk about. I can’t lie, for a long time I felt like if I talked about it I would look pathetic. I was worried about making people feel uncomfortable or bad or sorry for me. I didn’t talk about my allergies and how deeply they have changed my life because people….close people, would ‘dumb it down’ And although I hate it and how it had altered my life, it is my allergy and I am protective of it. And having someone act like I was being a nuisance or over dramatic or making it all up in my head was just…..devastating. So rather than taking care of myself, I worried about all of those people and their thoughts about me. I put the past two years of feelings into a box tucked far away in my brain and only let it out when I was alone….even if then. My goal, pretend YOU are ok and everyone else will be ok.
These blogs are a gift I am finally giving to myself. I told myself to not hold back, not care what people think and only for one week, as I sit behind this computer purely think about Jan and no one else. Yes, I know my mom doesn’t want to read about all the pain I was in at the hospital. Yes, my co-workers don’t want to think about how depressed I was walking around watching them do my clients color. Yes, my boyfriend didn’t want to read stories about me on dates with other men. But, I had to stop for a moment in time and not worry about those things. I went through this and I was the only one who I let in, so therefore, I am the only one who knows how it felt. If I can just let it out and let myself relive these moments in my life, maybe I can finally close this chapter. I am doing this because I need to do this…. FOR MYSELF.
Of course, I am also doing this to raise awareness about living with food allergies. I’m doing this for people who get up in the morning and know that something normal and natural could send them to their grave. For the parents who send their child to school and put their own flesh and bloods life into the hands of someone else. For the people who say ‘no mayo’ and get called picky instead of allergic as the waitress walks away. For the pregnant women for quarantine themselves for 9 months just to make sure they don’t make a mistake and have to use an epi-pen while they are with child. I am doing this for them. I am doing this for them and myself.
Of course it is few and far between that people have been negative. Not just about the blogs, but about my experience. This week alone I have had an out pouring of beautiful and eloquent emails and messages all expressing nothing but positivity. From telling me you’re proud of me, to expressing your concern for what happened or even if it was just a nosy “WHO IS HE?” They have all been amazing and I am so thankful for each one. And not just this week. There are people in the past two years who have shown me their true colors and they are the most fantastic colors I have ever seen. I wish I could name all of you but that would take a year. I also want to give those people their own special place this week. So for me to include it in one of my blogs seems inappropriate. These people, my support system, deserves much more than that.
All this being said, these blogs were a way for me to get this out. Free it from my head so I can close this chapter of my life. I am ready. I have gained so much and learned a ton. I have millions of ideas and opened myself for love. My future is strong and I know whatever happens I am a survivor.
So whether you believe it or not this is real. This is not a story I made up in my head, or something I have exaggerated. I went through some trauma, my life has been altered and I am now severely allergic to citrus. I did this blog to educate, I did this blog to raise awareness, I did this blog to stop pretending. I have one more day of it and I promise not to disappoint tomorrow.
So for the person who sent me that negative remark, I don’t care. You don’t have to wake up every day in the reality that myself and 12 million other Americans do, and I hope to god you never do. It is not something we are happy about. It is not something we are proud of. We would love to live in a world just like yours. Where the thought of going to a restaurant was easy and fun, not a place to interrogate servers and chefs. A place where when you walk on an airplane you pray not only for a safe flight, but also that the person next to you isn’t eating an orange. A place where walking through a department store doesn’t require you to hold your breath because of the perfume aisle seeping everywhere. And more than anything else, a place where people believe you. Like I said, I am not happy or proud about my allergy, but I am now extremely happy and proud to represent it.
I’m glad I didn’t stop. I am proud I didn’t get too scared from the negative comment. This has been too important and too good for me to not complete. Thanks to lemons and limes I have to stop and leave quite a bit in the middle of something. Whether it’s a dinner I got sick at, a head of hair I had to bail on or party I have had to cancel. I will not let this gift I have given to myself be affected by my food allergies, like so many other parts of my life have.

Day 5 of Food Allergy Awareness Blog...things I miss (correction silly things I miss)

I am assuming that when you are born with a food allergy, life is definitely not easy. And I would never say my situation is worse than anyone else’s. I imagine a world where I don’t even know what an orange taste like. Or a place where a margarita doesn’t send chills down my spine. A life that has been acclimated to this since day one.

I have been told by a few people that your taste buds eventually forget. That your body will get used to this adjustment and things become easier. I know that they already have. Physically a bit , but mentally for sure. People ask me all the time if there are shots for food allergies. If I can slowly add it to my diet and eventually my body will accept it. Both of these are false, at least for me at this point in my life. I have gone into anaphylactic shock the last time I ingested true citrus. So slowly adding it back just isn’t safe. I am ok with that. I can remember, I can forget and I can move on. There were only three things I found I out I couldn’t have anymore that sent me over the edge.There are a ton of things I miss, SO much that I crave and of course a career that I will always long for (that goes without saying.) But like I said, three specific incidents that happened and three things that I miss every single minute of my life.

As I go into these, again please let me reiterate that these things are small ,random things. Items that ‘broke the camels back’ so to speak. There are so many things I miss so much. The freedom of going out to dinner, the feeling of making someone feel beautiful inside and out or the idea that I can be alone, anywhere and not need anyone. I will always deeply miss all of those. The items I will tell you about today are random, unimportant and silly in the grand scheme, but at the time, while my life was changing before my eyes, I thought I was being thrown off a cliff.

There was that morning when I woke up after a night of a bit too much fun. You know the feeling, you have a headache, your tired from that bad night of passed out sleep, your kind of queasy but at the same time you want to gorge yourself at Waffle House? It was one of those. I woke up and all I could think about was red PowerAde, the best drink ever made. I got out of bed, threw on my glasses and headed to the convenience store. Old faithful red PowerAde always made me feel better. In fact when I first developed my allergy, this was one of the first bottles I read. I was ecstatic , it was Jan friendly. I ran into the store, went to the aisle and there it was. The sweet nectar and hangover cure. But something was different, the label had changed. My heart started beating a bit faster. ‘Maybe it’s my blurred vision’ I thought….I prayed. I was wrong. They reformulated. There it was….. citric acid and sodium citrate. Words that were all too familiar from working at the salon. I stood there and had a choice. Take a chance and know what the outcome would 99% be. Feel even worse, not just hung over but in a citrus coma as well. Or accept it, walk away and take in that my days of drinking this chemical gift from god were over. I got in my car and cried for an hour.

Even though I worked in the beauty industry for ten years, I am not that over the top make up person at all. I have my basics, we all do, and I do it up on occasion. But thanks to the world of Aveda, there was my good ole faithful Spice Lip tint that was always by my side. Spice and I have been through it all. Jobs, trips, vacations, relationships, everything. Even on my ‘fancy’ occasions Spice was there just paired with some liner. Spice was a dream. The most amazing shade, the slightest hint of sparkle and the mildest taste of cherry and earth all wrapped into one. I went through this tube of lipstick like candy. I LOVED Spice. One day, out of nowhere I started noticing these odd bumps on my lips. As days past, the bumps got worse and bigger. It was mortifying, gross and embarrassing. Great not only am I suddenly allergic to life….now I have adult acne. I couldn’t figure it out. One day I was stocking the shelves at work and there she was….Spice. My boss came over looking sad and said she had to tell me something. Aveda had changed some things, minus a plant here, added a flower there. They also decided to add Mango juice to create the new and improved Spice lip tint. It all made sense. I was constantly rubbing this stuff all over my crazy, red, bumpy lips only making the problem worse. Mangos were a definite no and now Spice was my enemy. I ran into the bathroom at work, threw a full fledge temper tantrum and decided right then and there to never use any Aveda again.

The last thing was by far the worst. If any of you know me, you know my relationship with salsa. In fact I may be closer to salsa then I am to most people. In my world salsa should be included in every meal, whatever time, and in any way . It is the bee’s knees, the cat’s meow and a true love of my life. Salsa to me is like a cigarette is to some, the way a nice glass of wine after work is to most, and how that first romantic and innocent kiss after an amazing date is to everyone…..PERFECT! I have my favorites, Hernadez, my uncles, and of course La Fonda Latinas. La Fonda Latina by far has the best salsa I have ever tasted. When I discovered my bodies hatred for lime juice my biggest fear was losing their salsa. I called, we talked, I was in the clear. One day, I had starting noticing that tomatoes, which were on my maybe list, were making me feel funny. I started to cut back on pizza, spaghetti, tomato sandwiches, but I saved myself for my salsa. Some friends were in town and of course I took them to La Fonda. As I tore up the bowl sitting in front of me I started to get itchy. The hives came quickly and within minutes I was in full blown allergic reaction mode. I got home, I sat on my bathroom floor throwing up and crying. I knew. Two days later I went back to my allergist. I was officially done with tomatoes and was told I can no longer have salsa. I left the doctor, got in my car, had a meltdown and immediately called my therapist.

These three things were small. Not difficult things that I had to leave behind. I am lucky that this allergy didn’t cost me more. But these things just took the simplicity out of my already difficult life. Yes, I had to leave my job. Yes, I have to wear a bracelet 24 hours a day identifying my allergy because god forbid I am alone when it happens. Yes, I had third degree burns on both hands and for weeks feared I wouldn’t have feeling in them again. But these small things were simple, they were mine and I felt like I had some control over them.

When you have a food allergy you must give up all control while having the most crazy amount of control at the same time. You can control what you put in your mouth, on your body and around self. But you can’t control the changes others decide to make or what your body no longer wants. You have to give in to your allergy, trust that there is a reason it has happened, give up things you love and hope that someday you will find replacements.

Day 4 Food Allergy Awareness Blog..Dating with a food allergy

Dating with a food allergy was different then what I was used too. Things that used to matter seemed silly. In fact, after my allergy was discovered dating didn’t even seem like a good option. I was a hot mess and did not need to bring anyone into my crazy new world.

As I continue, I want to get a few things clear. First, I love boys. They are great, they are fun and they have played big roles in my life. I am not disregarding any female with this blog. You all know you are my world and I promise, your blog is right around the corner. Secondly, all of these boys I talk about are great guys. They are all still my friends and I appreciate the time I have spent with them. Third, I use the word ‘dating’ loosely. I don’t really consider that I dated anyone, but for writing purposes ‘dating’ is just easier. Lastly….don’t worry boys, I will not use your real names! Again, I was in no shape to date, but when a cute boy calls….

First there was someone my roommate knew. We will call him ‘hot neighbor’ He was a sweetheart and a super nice guy. I didn’t want to talk to these boys about my allergy, but it was inevitable. He had heard about Kara’s friend with the crazy hands, but didn’t ask too many questions. I went over his house one night to watch a movie. As I sat on his couch my skin became itchy and hives were starting to form. I looked over at him and his beautiful long hair and thought…’I’m a hairstylist, I know in this humidity those waves would be frizzed out without some serious products.’ Then it hit me…AVEDA…Strike 1!

Then comes the classic story of boy meets girl at the bar. We will call him the ‘lawyer’ He wanted to buy me a shot or a fruity drink and I kept saying no. I quickly explained my allergy and that was that. By the second date I knew it was our last. He was OBSSESED with talking about my allergy. Why did I get it? How did it happen? How bad were my burns? I felt like I was on the stand, hand on bible, sitting next to a judge and being interrogated rather than on a date. As I gave him that last awkward hug goodbye, I ran to my car and thought ‘Dude, you can’t sue a piece of fruit!’ Strike 2!

The next boy was different. We will call him the ‘Comedian’ He lived far away and we randomly meet one night out with friends. We hit it off and had a great conversation. That was it. We found each other through facebook and began chatting. He knew about my allergy because all we really did was email and talk on the phone. I thought he was a bit sensitive to my condition when he told me he didn’t wear cologne around me because it had an orange scent listed on the ingredient list. The last time I went to LA for a ‘date’ with him, I sat at the dinner table as he flashed me his cute smile and squeezed a huge slice of lime into his Corona….Strike 3!

I was done. I was not able to do this. I didn’t expect any of these people to change that quickly for me. But I was trying so hard to make all of these changes in myself, I could not handle changing someone else as well. I also was just a hot mess and no one deserved any of that. Being single was totally cool with me. I was better that way. I already was a handful to date prior to the allergy. I am completely guarded, I never open up about myself, I don’t have a romantic bone in my body and I require more alone time then any female on the planet. All of that plus now I had been mentally crippled and could have a run in with a piece of fruit and be dead….That’s hot!

I was in a weird place. I had two weeks left at the salon. I didn’t want to go out, I didn’t want to be social and I didn’t want anyone to know any of this. I pretended everyday that I was totally cool. My days were filled with so many positive people telling me any happy thing they could think of. ‘Everything happens for a reason’…’When one door closes another one opens’…’When life hands you lemons’….yeah. I wanted to complain, I wanted to be bummed but I didn’t want to disappoint all of these people.

A friend of a friend of a friend’s band was coming into town and playing on a random Saturday night. I did not want to go. I was BLAH! But my side kick (Andi) my BFF (Kara) and her BFF (Audrey) were all going so I thought, how bad could it be. I don’t remember the band. I don’t remember the place. I don’t remember meeting him. (We will call him…him) We left when the bands were done and went to a super lame bar where everyone was drinking fruity drinks. Except me. I was sitting with my beer in my own little Jan world. People were crashing at our place that night. Everyone got in one car and I was told to go with him, since he didn’t know where he was going. I waited for him; I don’t think I even knew his name at the time. I got in his car, looked through his ipod, we stopped for snacks and he made fun of Atlanta. As we pulled onto my street he asked ‘What do you doing for a living?’ I sat there. I held my breath; I felt a huge lump form in my throat. I held back tears, looked up, put the biggest smile on my face and said…’I do hair. I have for ten years, but I just quit because of my allergies.’ I still wasn’t breathing as I waited for the ‘Good things are coming’ or ‘Look at this as an opportunity’ There was a slight pause and he looked up at me and said…’Damn, that sucks. Are you scared?’ It was one of those rare moments in life when you just know 100% for sure, without a doubt that you are in the exact right place at the right time with the right person. YES, it sucks….YES, I am so scared and YES I just wanted to say it out loud. I wanted to attack him. I wanted to scream in his face, cry in his arms, thank him over and over….but we just met. Instead I ignored the party in my head, exhaled and said ‘Yes, it sucks’

The second time I hung out with him I had an allergic reaction in front of him. I was mortified. He came into town to see me and here I was throwing up, stacked with hives, crying like a baby. He was suppose to head home early that day. Instead, I showed him what to do and he did it. He sat with me barely knowing me and watched as I went through it, fell in and out of sleep and talked my crazy allergy medicine talk. I didn’t hear from him after that. I knew why. I was a wreak. I was about to be jobless, I was sick and I had lost all of my confidence. He was a smart man and knew it was not a good situation. I asked a few friends their advice. Two told me my reaction in front of him was most likely a major turn off. I missed him and didn’t know why. I didn’t know him and it was extremely unlike me to be interested that quickly. There were a few random texts here and there, but I knew. I threw a party the last day of my salon career. I invited him but he didn’t come.

The day after I retired, I was a disaster. I was sad. I didn’t go outside. I cried for what felt like days. My phone rang off the hook. I silenced everyone. I didn’t feel like talking to ANYONE! After awhile my pugs looked more miserable then me. I went outside to play with them. The phone rang. It was him. He has called almost every day since.

I know why he didn’t call for awhile. He has his reasons. I know for me it was because the timing gods were on my side. Had he called and been a bit too into me, too needy, too anything I would have blown him off. I couldn’t have handled anyone in those few weeks.

‘Dating’ him, with my new allergy, my new life, my new self was different. We talked for hours on the phone. We became great friends. I started to see some of my old self when he was around. Sometimes I would catch a glimpse of the pre-burned hand Jan and I would become overwhelmed. I knew she was in there, but I didn’t know where. When he was around I could feel her and that alone was nothing short of amazing.

I have been sick in front of him a lot. He takes over and I let him. I now realize it is ok to be vulnerable around him, especially when my allergy is involved. He gets mad at me when I get sick and not because it’s happening but because all I do is apologize for it. He always tells me I have nothing to be sorry for and he is right. He lets me cry, he tells me I’m beautiful as I get sick and he makes sure I have everything I need. I know that when I am with him he will make sure, no matter what that I will be ok. He is fully prepared and knows about my meds, inhalers’, epi-pen, symptoms, etc. But more importantly then all of that is that when I get sick, I know I will be safe. That safety that I didn’t really feel in my childhood, that no one feels in their teens. The safety that I started to feel in my 20’s but was ripped away in my early 30’s. He brought that safety into my life. And not just safety but he has brought back hope, love and so much of myself that I thought was gone. If he stopped talking to me tomorrow it would be ok (Trust me I would be super bummed and I hope to god that doesn’t happen) But I would understand. And I would everyday be thankful that on that random Saturday night, this adorable boy came into my life and help me feel like myself again.

We have been dating for awhile now (and I don’t use that term loosely anymore….sorry ladies) He is unconditionally supportive and absolutely my number 1 fan (at least he makes me feel that way) And even though he is in another state (not for long:) I still know he is right by my side. I am lucky to have a friend like him and I only hope one day I can repay him for all he has done for me. He met me at rock bottom and now I feel like I am on cloud nine. And although he had SO much to do with that, just his support alone gave me the strength to get there myself.

I don’t know who is braver, someone with a food allergy or someone who chooses to be with someone who has a food allergy? It is just as scary. At least when I’m sick, I don’t know what is going on. He has to sit there and watch me crumble. But food allergy or not, he is here and I know crumbling is ok.

Day 3 Food Allergy Awarenes Blog...ending my career

When my hands healed I thought I was in the clear. I knew I now had an allergy to live with, but I also thought the worst was behind me. Citrus, random, yet doable. I had a no list and a maybe list I was sent home with. Yes, limes, lemons, grapefruits, pineapple all of the basic citrus that is out there was now off limits. The morning of my first day back to the salon I was a nervous wreak. I made Ruslan come over the night before so I could make sure I still remembered how to cut hair. I packed a citrus free lunch, had my new black, non latex gloves and sat in the parking lot of Salon Lotus feeling overwhelmed with excitement and anticipation. It had been so long since I did what I loved to do, which was make people feel pretty, I couldn't wait to get inside to start. But at the same time, I felt different. I was not mentally the same person. All I could do was hold my breath and hope it all washed away as the day went by.

I had to wear gloves full time for the first two weeks. Just with the chemicals and my new fresh skin, we had to be safe. I have never in my life repeated a story so many times. Poor Rana had to stand in the chair beside me all day and listen to the same thing day in and day out. Of course it was the shortened funny story I created, because the truth was just too much to talk about. I had been back for about a month when my first reaction at work happened. It was a busy Saturday and suddenly I had hives up and down both arms and on my neck. I was so itchy. I didn't know what happened. I popped some benedryl and hoped for the end of the day to get here fast. That was the first of many reactions at the salon. I soon started reading ingredient list for not only food but on the back of the hair products at work. I saw words like 'limonene' and 'citronellol' on the back of shampoo bottles. I remember thinking....no way. This can't be causing these reactions.

My first really bad reaction at work was in December 2008. It was the last day the salon was open for the holidays. If you have ever worked in the hair industry, you know how busy this day is! I became itchy, queasy and breathless and was taken to the hospital. This all happening while I was trying to do hair. I had to leave due to reactions before. Everything stopped, the Jan drama started and most of the time Ruslan came to get me, This time was different. I was having a hard time breathing and I was scared. Once at the hospital I was shot with an epi-pen and hooked up to a breathing machine. The doctors questioned the hair products and told me get allergy tested for those. At that point, I knew deep inside what the allergist was going to say. I also knew that I was causing bad business and something had to change. Knowing all of this, I spent the next few days over Christmas vacation secluded and sad. I knew my new allergy and my old job were not getting along.

Step one was taking medicine everyday before I went to work. I had been doing that for quite some time. The meds worked...sometimes, but they mainly left me tired and drained. I had lost interest in what was going on at work. My goals had changed. I went from being the number 1 team player, the perky hairstylist and the one who made friends with every client that walked through that door, to the one who just prayed to get through one head of hair at a time and hoped I wouldn't get sick in the middle off doing it. The medicine wasn't working. Step two...go part time. It was a decision my bosses, doctors and I thought would be a huge help. Give my body a break a few days a week. We all hoped that would alleviate some of my issues. Step three...give up hair products and about 90% of the shampoos and conditioners. This was hard. Styling hair without using products is well... lame. I couldn't do up-dos, make-up or perms at all anymore. I basically could sort of shampoo, cut, color and finish without using anything. My poor clients, I don't know how they stuck with me. I tried hard. SO HARD. I wanted this all to go away and I wanted to be normal so badly. I went to work everyday and pretended that everything was fine. I smiled and laughed and joked around, but I knew without saying anything to anyone that I was going to have to stop.

The reactions happened a lot. I was in and out of the hospital. I was sick all of the time. I felt bad all of the time. I cried all of the time. I kept it all inside. I didn't want anyone to know the truth. My doctor and my allergist had suggested I stopped doing hair in March. I didn't listen. My best friend/rooommate was the only one who saw this. She watched me unwind and crumble. She knew what the doctors said. She knew I had to make this decision. She was the most amazing human being on the planet. She would see me come home, a hot mess, crying or pissed and no matter what she knew what to say and do. She deserves a metal for putting up with me during this.

Step four came after I had given everything up but was still getting sick at work. Again, back to the hospital and back for testings. I had to stop using hair color. That was the hardest. I was officially working in a glass box. I went to worked and watched everyone around me do all the things I had worked so hard to accomplish myself. It was all around me and I just had to stand there and watch. At this point the salon was making me sick not just physically, but mentally. It was no longer fun. It no longer felt good. I again felt extremely betrayed by it all. I knew I had to quit when I had my hair color reaction, was rushed to the hospital and the doctor stood over me and said he would no longer be my doctor if I continued to do hair. He knew that at some point we wouldn't make it in time and I would be gone. I went out west to visit my family and we all decided it was time. The week I came back, I sat my bosses down and put in my notice. I wanted six more weeks to say my goodbyes and then I was retiring from the most amazing career anyone could ever have.

Those six weeks went by entirely too fast. Everyday was another goodbye and everyday got closer to the end. Everyone I worked with at Salon Lotus was a champ during this time....except for me. I was bitter, I was upset and I just wanted to scream. Why? How can something I love so much be killing me? What am I suppose to do now? Why was this happening?

September 5th, 2009 was my last day at Salon Lotus. It was the hardest day of my life to date. As I stood in the shampoo area with all of my girls crying at the end of the day, I knew I would never be the same. That place was my life, my co-workers and clients were my friends and making people feel good was who I was. A part of my heart was taken away that day.....all thanks to my food allergy.

DAY 2..my first reaction. The story of my hands....

Well, I have decided to get the worst one over with. I guess a week long blog should have some sort of order right?! So I will start with my very first allergic reaction to citrus. It's a question that will haunt me for the rest of my life. I have decided to stop asking how this happened. I have done an absolutely ridiculous amount of research and have been to so many doctors, but I have yet to get an answer. So with that being said, I have to let it go. I will never know if the trauma of my hands caused this allergy or if on July 10th 2008, my body woke up and said..."Ya know what Jan....we are done"

It was one of the most wonderful weekends of my life. Helping my sister prepare for her wedding. A beautiful beach house right outside of San Diego. My whole family was there for a great celebration. My future brother in law and his family were helping us ring in the new couple as well. Just a big weekend of fun. It was the afternoon on a Thursday and I was just squeezing limes for some homemade margaritas. After that I was out on the beach for a bit with my cousins, then off to the bachelorette party. Everything was going great! The next morning was when the wedding craziness began. By that night, on the way home from the rehearsal dinner, I remember sitting in the back seat of Dan's car looking at my hands. They looked chapped. I remember thinking "what a weird sun burn" I put some cortizone cream on them and went to bed. In the morning the pink had turned into red, but it was wedding day. As the day flew by, I barely had time to think about the discoloration of my hands. By the time the vows were said, dinner was served and drinks were poured, the red had turned into purple. I, being the maid of honor had to give a speech and I was so nervous. I told one of my uncles how I was freaking out about talking in front of everyone, his response "Jan don't worry, no one will even be looking at you, they are just going to be staring at your weird purple hands!" At that point it was a joke, a weird bizarre thing that we were all laughing at. When I woke up the next morning the joke started to get a bit strange. My right hand was swollen a bit and there were tiny little blisters forming. Within hours the tiny blisters had grown from little to big, my left hand had began to swell and the few blisters and turned into hundreds.

I had to get back to Atlanta that night. At that point my brother in law and sister were in charge. He is a doctor and loaded me up with steroids and benedryl. My sweet sister who was so scared and worried wrapped my disgusting hands up in the most beautiful pink scarf. I didn't want anyone to see them. And trust me, no one would have wanted to sit next to those things on a plane. I had to get assistance to my seat. Someone had to buckle me in. I just sat there for over four hours. I could feel them getting worse. The pain was so horrible and although I was so thankful they were wrapped up, the fabric felt like fire against my skin. I got off the plane and Nathan was waiting for me. I looked terrible and felt worse. I begged him to take me home to my dogs. It was 5 am and I just wanted to wait until my doctors office was open. After pleading with me he agreed. Before we left the airport he asked if he could see my hands.I slowly unwrapped them and what was underneath was the most horrendous sight I have ever seen. He open the door to his car and immediately got sick. I went into shock. I don't remember the drive to the hospital, we were suddenly there. I walked in and was thrown into a room, stripped down, hooked to an IV and had two doctors and three nurses by my side. I don't know what is scarier, being in the emergency room or being seen that quickly in the emergency room. My memory of the next few hours, actually the next few weeks are a bit faded.....thank god. I remember being asked a million questions, I remember a nurse crying as she unwrapped my second hand, seeing that is was worse then the first. I remember being told I had third degree chemical burns on both of my hands. I remember Nathan standing over me praying as teared streamed down my face when the doctors told me they hand to clean my hands, in between the blisters. I remember Nathan having to leave the hospital room as I started screaming in pain as my hands were emerged into water. Then I blacked out.

I don't know what happened next. I was on so many drugs and my body was completely shut down, my mind was completely gone. I called my bosses to tell them I had been in an accident, but I don't think anyone realized how extreme it was. And we still didn't know how this had happened. My next memory is going to the burn doctor....days later. My hands had been wrapped up since and I couldn't wait to take the bandages off and let them breath. But as soon as she took me out of my slings, braces and gauze, reality had finally struck. My hands were worse. They were bigger and there were more blisters. I couldn't differentiate my one finger from the next. They honestly looked like lobster claws. Again, I lost it and Nathan and another nurse had to leave the room. The doctor hugged me and promised me she would do whatever to make this process easy. PROCESS?! I wanted it to be over, and soon, what did she mean by process. She continually asked me about the limes I had squeezed, I had no idea why. She wrapped me back up and tried her hardest to calm me down. She informed me of what to expect. Pain being number one. Soaking them twice a day for ten minutes. Always keep the wrapped, definitely scarring, possible nerve damage. Then I informed her that I was a hairstylist and her face fell to the ground. At the time I just assumed she felt sorry for me, but looking back I wonder if she knew then what I know now. My hair days were never going to be the same.

I didn't have hands. I couldn't feed myself. I couldn't drive. I couldn't put in my contacts. I couldn't bathe myself. I couldn't pet my dogs. I couldn't take care of myself. Thank god for good people. I remember friends cleaning my house, cooking me dinner, walking the pugs, giving me a bath and doing all the the everyday tasks that I could no longer do. And all I did was sleep and cry. Some of those tears from the pain, but mainly from the overwhelming feeling of incompetence. These days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months. I slept....A LOT. I cried...A TON. But mostly I just sat and wondered what on earth happened and would I ever be able to feel skin, hair, grass, sand, my pugs again? Would I have feeling? What would they look like? How long would this last? I don't remember exactly how long this went on. The gross stages of healing happened very slowly but at least they were happening. Every morning and every night we would unwrap, look and sigh, soak, then wrap back up. I missed things. So many things. My friends, my work, my family but mainly myself. I was depressed and each day that passed, mentally I was getting worse. I know everyone who was in my life during that time saw the change. Not just with my hands but with me. I couldn't understand what happened and why my body had done this to me. I felt betrayed. And since this incident I have never been the same Jan I used to be.

Slowly things got back to normal although I will never be the same. My hands healed amazingly. I love them, they are gorgeous. I am very over protective of them and they are never under appreciated. Even now, if I go into an allergic reaction, I am constantly checking on them to make sure they are ok. They are my favorite part of my body! I still have nightmares, still have flashbacks and still can not explain the thought process of what was going on in my head during this. It wasn't until one day I put a piece of orange in my mouth and my whole face blew up into a red hive that sent me to the hospital which lead me to an allergist. I was now severely allergic to citrus, so allergic the first testing was stopped in the middle because my body was freaking out so badly. I do remember sitting in the allergist office, laughing to keep from crying as I thought...all of that. All of that pain and all of that worry. All of those months sitting there while weak and broken. All of my self that was lost and will never be recovered. All of that happened from a freaking lime.